25 years in the future….

….So I mentioned in a previous post that I’ve gone and gotten knocked up…which is FABULOUS news!  We are thrilled!  I mean, BEYOND happy!  We went to the doctor this morning and found out…ITS A BOY!!!!  And he is perfect!

So I spent a good part of the day calling and sharing the fabulous news with friends….and then,  I spoke to one friend who reads this blog and who recently had a little boy, and she said to me….”You realize that one day, we’ll be Mother in Laws…” 

HOLY COW!  This statement blew my mind!!  I emailed her later and said that I was planning on printing out this blog and saving it and reading it in twenty, twenty five years so that we wouldnt make the same mistakes as our horrible mother in laws!  Then we decided than in twenty five, thirty years we would start a daughter in law blog……damn DIL’s! 

 

 

 

Really???

So it’s been a while, but that doesn’t mean the MIL’s of the world have been any less horrible….a few examples…

To steal from one of my fav SNLs skits by Seth and Amy, I like to call this one, “Really, Crazy MIL?  REALLY?”

One friend shared with me the story of her b-day present from her MIL….and not just ANY b-day…but it was the big THREE OH!  I mean, that is a pretty big deal and deserves a special kind of present…. She got an email from her MIL that her gift should be arriving any day…and she was getting kind of excited, because 30…again, kind of a big deal…it will probably be an awesome gift!  Said gift arrives…and what is it?  A single decorated wine glass with the words birthday girl on it….umm cute and all, but really?  One wine glass?  Hope the hubs didnt want to share a birthday glass on wine with her…if so ,I guess he jsut drank directly from the bottle.

 

Another good friend recently had a baby….and he’s adorable!!!!  Her mother in law likes to come over…on no notice…and then just sit around “playing” with the baby…and by playing, I mean that baby is asleep and MIL is watching her soaps.  My friend does take the opportunity to get some things done around the house while MIL is there…with no help from the MIL….but she did say the other day while MIL was there “playing” with the baby and she was cleaning the kitchen, she heard MIL say to the baby “Im sorry mommy is making so much noise”….>Really?  Heaven forbid you can’t hear the TV over the clanging of dishes from the kitchen!  (Side note….this friends baby is a boy and I have warned her that one day she will be a MIL….she needs to print these pages out and save them for future reading…in about 25 years!)

 

And now, for my “REALLY???” moment with my MIL – the hubs and I have done it…I’ve gone and gotten knocked up….and we’re very excited…..except for those freaky moments when I realize that the MIL is now going to be a grandmother to our child and is going to go ape shit over this kid (but not in a helpful way) and probably spew her verbal Diarrhea all over my child infecting him/her and at some point in his/her life, making them feel incompeted and self concious….I digress….where my REALLY??? comes into play is with her grandmother name…..her gma name is MOMMIE!  And she’s not really flexible on it either!  Umm, hello?  Im pretty sure Im mommy!!  When I suggested she add something to the front of back of it to make it different than what this kid is going to call me, she said that adding something to it would make it too much of a mouthful for baby…..REALLY?  Because we’re more concerned about having the baby say long words than confusing the hell out of it by having a grandmother called mommie!  Im going to have to teach this child to spell before I teach him to talk so he knows the difference between MOMMIE and MOMMY….Really???

MIL to English Dictionary Needed

My MIL LOVES to Text message….which is great for me…I don’t actually have to talk on the phone.  Awesome!  However, my MIL texts like a 13 year old girl.  I swear I need a MIL to English dictionary just to decipher the texts.  My poor husband can’t even understand them…usually he just holds his phone up to me and asks me to translate them for him.  Now, what I don’t get is, Is the Woman sooooo busy that she cant find the time to fit in a few extra letters?  I still have no idea what she does with herself every day, so I know there has to be an extra three seconds in her day so she can actually type the word “come” in a text message vs. using “cum”…it gets me EVERY time!
Oh, it cant be that bad you say…….check out her recent texts to me…..

**As always, names have been omitted (the blanks) to protect the innocent!

 

1.  Yes___&___ gng 2 cum..i hv plans 4 one nite 2 nvite u ovr..sun? what r ur plans 4 them?

 

2.  R u wantin 2 hv them 4 dinner one nite or no?

 

3.  Let me ck wth ___..n c what he wants 2 do 2..steaks on sun..quik n e z

 

4.  K.____ wants 2 go out on sat n ___ when wn pk em up..but sun stil on..u hv no worries! Its all gud..that ok wth u?

 

5.  We r gng 2 play by ear 2..i no they wil want 2 c u guys n ur new place..i no __ is takin ___ 2 work with him on Mon..other than dinner sun am leavin to ___.

 

 

**Let me remind you that my MIL is a 50+ year old woman, not the 13 year old little girl that lives next door.**

 

 

You might be asking, what the hell do these messages say!?!?!?!  Since I’ve got my handy MIL to English dictionary handy, I will translate.

1. Yes, __ and __ are going to come.  I have plans for one night to invite you over.  Sunday?  What are your plans for them?
2. Are you wanting to have them over for dinner one night or not?
3. Let me check with __ and see what he wants to do.  Steaks on Sunday.  Quick and Easy.
4. OK.  ____ wants to go out on Saturday in ___ when we pick them up but Sunday is still one.  You have no worries.  It is all good.  Is that OK with you?
5. we are going to play it by ear.  I know they will want to see you guys and your new place.  I know __ is taking ___ into work with him on Monday.  Other than dinner on Sunday, I am leaving it to ____.

 

It was soooo much easier to type the translations that recreate her text messages.  I am all for the common and quick abbreviations, and I utilize them too (except when texting the MIL….I spell EVERYTHING out as a stance against insane abbreviations!)  I get the UR for your and the 2 for too,to, and two…..but seriously, is “gud” so much easier than “good”  And please, please please!!!! Can’t you just type “come” instead of “cum”….PLEASE!!!! (she also types “cuming” instead of “coming” in her text messages which we can all see SAVES NO LETTERS!!!

Polka…the dot, not the dance.

The in laws threw us our rehersal dinner.  How sweet, right?  But apparently, the MIL thought that because they were throwing it, it was necessary for her to control every little detail and basically poop on all of my ideas.  She wanted Mexican Carnival….complete with Marriachis and Mexican “blankets” as table cloths and Mexican themed invitatrions.  And While I think this is an adorable theme and works well, it is SOOO not what I had in mind.  I wanted something sort of Shabby Chic……cute….simple…..weddingish.  I wanted invitations that led people to believe that this would be a casual fun rehearsal dinner.  So, I would occastionally email her links to invitations I liked.  Granted they were cutsey…but simple.  Some of them had polka dots on them…..come on, dots are cute.  Some of the features of our wedding and my bridal shower had dots…nothing iver the top crazy, but jsut a cute polka dot here and there.  Anyways, she proceeds to tell me, via email, that she HATES polka dots and thinks that they’re tacky and not party of HERS would have an invitation with polka dots on it.  Jeez…fine.  So, after that I was pretty much OUT on the rest of the planning with her….which is how we ended up with a crazy formal rehersal dinner invitation….one so formal that my mothers Aunt thought it was a dressy event and wore sequins….yet we served tacos…….way to go MIL.  She just doesnt get it.

 

My own persoal revenge….at every gift giving occasion, her gift is wrapped in polka dot paper…or has polka dot tissue or a polka dot card.  Because polka dots are just so darn cute!

It’s the thought that counts, right?

My mother in law means well….I know she does.  She is a fairly generous gift giver….if you read my previous entries, you know that she even gives baby gifts when there is NO mention of said baby!

 

And Im sure I will sound like a horrible person when I say this….but despite her generosity, her gifts are bad……real bad…and I know she spends a lot of money on them….(how do I know this you may wonder?  Because she pretty much always tells me how expensive something is)  I love the holidays when I just get a sleek envelope….because that means gift card! 

 

I guess the reason that this “gets” to me so much is because I really do take the time when I shop for a gift to try to pick something out that the recipient will really enjoy…I try to find something that fits their personality.  Which is why I gift shop year round…..I may find something in May and think, hey, my MIL would really like this for Christmas, so I buy it, and hold onto it.  So it frustrates me when gifts are given that don’t have thought behind them…that don’t have the recipient in mind….when they are bought willy nilly and deemed to be appropriate just because they’re expensive. 

 

I bring this up right now because the MIL is on a fabulous vacation right now.  And she will probably bring me home a souvenir.  And it will more than likely be terrible.  Every once in a while she will get me a present that actually “looks like me”…..I think maybe those are the times when she has a little glass on wine with lunch before she goes shopping.

 

My last souvenir from her overseas travel…..an off white chunky  knit sweater with one button in the middle…in a size XL…..it looks like something a grandparent would wear…it’s handmade….it’s Itchy….and it’s an XL……maybe XL means something else in the country in which she bought it…Im not sure….and while I may even be close to XL in size, I don’t want OTHER people buying me XL clothing…..perhaps if it were cute, less itchy, and/or less grandparent-ey I could over look the XL…but its not…so I cant.  And lets not forget that this was a “very expensive” sweater….handmade, you know.  (and yes, I do know, because she told me)

 

Example #2: A bracelet made from a spoon (sounds kind of cute so far huh?) with a big purple crystal hanging from the middle of it.  #1…I don’t really wear jewelry….just my standard everyday pieces.  #2) I don’t wear purple #3) therefore I don’t wear jewelry with purple in it!  You would think these would be some things she would have noticed over the course of the last 7 years.  So, it sits in a box in my closet, unworn, which is a shame, because it was VERY expensive…handmade, you know. 

 

Example #3: a turquoise and lime green sheer poncho……enough said, right?

 

Example #4: This was actually a very nice present, just totally not my style……a pair of gloves that were something like $140 (any guesses to why I know how much?? And yes, they were handmade)  These gloves are so nice, I don’t wear them.  If I did wear them, they would be nicer, and cost more, that whatever outfit I was wearing that day.  Im terrified of losing one.  Im more of a $1/pair Target mitten kind of girl.  However, my MIL did let me know, upon giving the gloves to me, that SHE really liked them and wanted a pair for herself, but she bought the last pair in the store….but If I didn’t want them, she would give me the cash for them…..

 

 

Oh, how I relish the flat envelope with a spa gift certificate inside! But,  it’s the thought that counts, right?  And yes, I know…Im a horrible person, because who complains about presents????

Quote of the Day

“It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays, saying things against one behind one’s back that are absolutely true.”

“She is evil and must be destroyed”

Submitted By J. 

“I’ve checked out your stories and I’d like to add a couple to see if I can compete.  I’ll submit them in order of occurrence and let the rest of you ladies decide whose ‘Moster- in-Law’ is the worst…..   

The first introduction-  

When my husband and I started dating we were living in a town a few hours away from where his parents lived and where he grew up.  After dating for a few months he decided we should go visit his hometown and make the big introduction.  His parents are divorced so meeting both in the same weekend required some planning .  He decided we should stay with his Mom the first couple of nights and then go to his Dad’s.  The initial meeting with his Mom went well.  She seemed nice and was accommodating.  The next morning she and I went on a walk together and she shared with me how tiny she is and how she has pants that are size 4 and too big.  First of all, she is a pretty woman and average size.  However, there is no way in HELL she can squeeze her a$$ into a size 4!!! (This later became true when we were shopping for her dress for our wedding.) Then the afternoon came……  My future MIL invited a man she was dating over for lunch.  At the time it seemed like no big deal- however now that I have known this woman for many years and have met countless men, it was.  She proceeded to pull out photo boxes filled with pictures of her son and show them all to me and this poor man that didn’t give a flying flip.   My favorite moment was when she pulled out pictures of her son in high school with his girlfriend and said ‘Look how pretty she is.  I wonder what she’s up to these days…. ‘.   That was the beginning of the end.  

I gave her the gift of a grandson- 

My son was born in December and like any new parents we quickly discovered there were tons of things we should have registered for but did not.  My son was also born 10 days late and my Dad lives out of state so he had purchased a plane ticket to come out a couple of weeks after my due date.  He ended up coming the day after we got home from the hospital which was great.  That Saturday (when my son was 5 days old) we got a call from my evil MIL asking if she could come by because she had been out shopping that day and had a ‘ton of stuff for us that couldn’t wait until Christmas’.  It was stuff we needed so badly and urgently that it must be opened that day.   I thought ‘how nice’- she is very frugal and I was surprised to hear that she’d been out shopping all day and for us!  Of course I thought that everything would be for my husband and baby since I am not that important to her.  Well much to my surprise she had a huge bag for me!  I thought we had turned a corner now that I had given her a grandson.  Not so much….  

My gift consisted of pajamas that were huge- size XL.  I’m no skinny minny but I am 5’2” and even 5 days after giving birth that is too big.  I also received a hoodie from Walmart that had a v-neck perfect for nursing (I actually liked this) and the best part was when I pulled out a bottle of stretch mark cream!  I was so embarrassed and angry!  First of all, you don’t buy a woman something so personal EVER!!!!  Second, if you are going to conjure up the nerve to do so, don’t buy her a cheap, crappy kind from Wally World!!!!  Third, I opened this in front of my father and husband.  She is evil and she must be destroyed…..  ”

 

J, you’re a top contender for Worst MIL for sure….my favorite, the MIL reminiscing about the pretty HS girlfriend in your presence during lunch.  I don’t know how you restrained yourself from stabbing her with your fork.  Kudos to you!

Grande Skim Nonfat Horrible MIL

I just told my trainer about your blog and she told me a few stories of her own! My fav was the one about a “monster in law” she trains on Saturdays! This lady says things like “I don’t know how my son has sex with her…she’s so gross and boring!” Dang!!! I’ve seen this woman before..she’s terrible! She “works out” while drinking starbucks and always has her yappy poodle in the car…that stupid dog scares the crap out of me every Saturday! These women are everywhere!!! 

Submitted by K. 

Hello, Inappropriate!

My husband and I have been married a couple of years.  Eventually we would like children, just not quite yet.  As is the case with many newlyweds, I am sure, his parents are chomping at the bit for us to have kids.  And they vocalize it, well, not the FIL, but the MIL does, ALL the TIME.  I find that so annoying and such an invasion of privacy.  I mean, if you think of it, basically, it’s parental figures asking you about sex.  Ugh – no thank you.  I just basically think it is inappropriate on all counts….I mean, what if we were trying and were unsuccessful….or infertile….why would you ask me about something like that???  Anyways, I was out to lunch with the MIL one after.  I had recently left my job and was now officially a lady who lunched!  At least while I was waiting to start the new job.  The MIL is a full time “lady who lunches”.  We finished up, and before we were about to leave, she says that she is so excited, she has a present for hubby and I.  She saw it and just couldn’t pass it up, it was so cute.  I’m like, YAY a present.  So we head out to her car after lunch so she can give me the gift.  She hands me a package…..wrapped in baby wrapping paper.  I look at her warily, and ask if maybe I should wait until I get home so hubby and I can open it together (because as this point it is obvious it is a baby gift and I am PISSED)  She says, no, open it now, because she is just so excited for me to see it.  So I open it, and it is one of those baby growth chart things.  A cardboard one that folds up.  As soon as I open it, she starts gushing about how it was so cute that she couldn’t resist and she just had to get it for us.  And in my head I am thinking 1) It’s not that cute of a present…..or special…it’s just some cheesy paper growth chart….with clowns on it…I’m pretty sure she knows I hate clowns 2) Even if it was some to die for special present, maybe you hold on to it until I tell you that I am pregnant and then give it to me then 3) She has a daughter with a toddler…she could have given it to her!  But I do not voice any of this, I just grit my teeth and smile, totally uncomfortable in this situation. 

Oh, but wait, it gets worse…..

Trying to laugh off the situation and make light of it, the following conversation ensues:

ME: Is there some crazy rumor going around town that I am pregnant?  The other day when I stopped by [my old work] someone there asked my if I had left because I was pregnant.  (true detail!) I mean, do I look pregnant?  (OBVIOUSLY a rhetorical question)

MIL: (eying me up and down) No, I wouldn’t say you look pregnant….(She proceeds to pat my belly) I mean, you’re a little chubby here in your belly, but I wouldn’t say you look pregnant.

ME: (WTF!!!!!!!)  Okay then, bye bye… (and I hightail it to my car to start hysterically crying)

HELLO INAPPROPRIATE!

You Just Never Know….

My husband and I were engaged to be married.  We lived in a different state than my family, but in the same state as his family.  I had been home several times to go dress shopping with my mom.  I decided as a nice bonding activity that my future MIL (technically step MIL) and I could go dress shopping together.  I invited her, and she said yes, as long as I would drive.  I picked her up and off we went to the dress shop about an hour away)  As we were driving, we were talking about mine and the future hubbys relationship.  Step MIL had been married twice before marrying my hubbys dad.  I expressed how future hubby and I were strong in the belief of the solidity of our relationship, because she seemed to be expressing some concerns about the length that our marriage might endure.  I continued to talk about how we were confident because we had waited until we were older to get engaged, we has been together 5 years already, and we were currently living together, etc etc etc.  My future MIL, deadpan, looks at me and says, “Honey, you just never know…..it may not work out.  Just be prepared”  Holy $hit, it as kind of hard to keep my car on the road after that statement.  Listen lady, that’s not something you say to anyone who is basking in the glow of their engagement, let alone our future Daughter in Law, LET ALONE while you’re headed to go WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING!!  Of course, I said none of that out loud to her.  Apparently, that is just sort of her theory on marriage in general, which would probably explain the three marriages she has under her belt.

What makes that story even funnier to me, is that I was gossiping with my husband’s brother’s fiancé (read trash talking) about my MIL and I was sharing this story with her.  Her jaw dropped to the ground, because on a recent outing together, apparently, the same “advice” (“be prepared, it may not work out”) was given to her too.